I will never open and operate a small business of my very own, I’ve accepted that, come to terms with it. However, if I knew how to apply for a small business loan, was automatically approved for one and told to open a small business immediately (in what I can only imagine, is Mitt Romney’s America) I have one great business idea.
Last winter I was at the mall watching one of my toddler nephews crawl over a large plastic turtle. While he frolicked with the gentle giant, I looked past the play place at a store which had replaced a K*B Toys. It was called Little Diva. At first, I only saw its exterior and I assumed it was simply a store where discerning parents could purchase enough tiaras and feathers and glitter to live vicariously through their daughters in whatever terrible pageant the mall was putting on. I was cynical and I was naive not to think these parents weren’t buying the glitter and feathers for themselves. Adults are weird.
A web search for the Little Diva store explained that it more like a Chuck-E-Cheese meets Toddler and Tiaras birthday party place. For what looks like $260 on their website, you can dress your child and four friends in all the tiaras, headsets, rockin’ gloves and Go Go hats, they’ll need for their next mall tour. Now, I’m not telling parents how to dress their children or where they should celebrate birthdays. I rarely encounter children and it’s not for me to say what anyone wears. I had my ninth birthday party at McDonald’s. I threw up in a trash can. There was a train you could eat in. I loved it.
I’m not trying to put Little Diva out of business (but it would be kind of nice). I just want there to be an option for a party place for young girls that isn’t all sparkles and divas and Glee. If I do have nieces, I want them to receive the same Jr. Scientist kits I will eventually give my nephews once a non lame version is invented. So, that’s why I have an idea for a new party place for young girls (and boys) which will give them positive role models and teach them about foreign diplomacy.
At Little Secretary of State every birthday girl and her friends can
- Learn to make pasta and write Declarations with Thomas Jefferson.
- Model Hillary Clinton pantsuits and try on Madeleine Albright inspired costume jewelry. If this seems sexist to define these women by their fashion choices alone, ruining the whole idea behind this project, they can also dress up like John Jay.
- Model the facial hair of Charles Evan Hughes, John Foster and John Hay.
- Become a war criminal and marvel others with your ability of still being alive like Henry Kissinger.
- Learn about a history of foreign affairs through animatronic Cyrus Vance. The things he’ll say about Carter alone guarantee half hours of fun.
- Be terrified of John C. Calhoun.
If that’s not working for any loan officers, I also have an idea for a movie about the founding fathers played by dogs, that will be called The Founding Barkers.
I think it’s clear now I’m not sure how bank loans work.